雅思作文你来写我来改【第一期】

小编在之前收集到了5篇沪友写作的雅思小作文，并由上海环球雅思学校首席写作主讲季春桦老师为大家修改作文！

环球雅思季春桦老师的简介：
•季春桦 环球雅思写作、阅读主讲
多年从事雅思教学工作，曾多年获得优秀老师称号。擅长捕捉雅思考试动态，对雅思应试技巧有自己独特的见解。尤其以短期迅速帮助学生突破雅思学习瓶颈为特长。
【风格】以“精、准、快”为特色，课堂信息量大，善于融会贯通。
【经历】多年雅思教学经验，英语语言文学专业

沪江网雅思频道访谈之雅思作文名师修改

题目：

沪友“yeking”的作文：
From this table, it reflects the proportions of body weight among British males in 1997.The body weight situations is divided into four levels: underweight, overweight, obese and desirable. Every body weight level owns four groups of people sorted by age. There are young, middle age, elderly and old grouped from young to old. Additionally, at the bottom of the table, it shows the average proportion of every body weight level.

As a whole, it can be found that there is a fat problem among British males, but is not very serious. The table shows that the proportions of overweight and obese is 58%.It also means that more than half of British males are overweight even obese. Fortunately, there are only 17.1% people who are obese, and most of the overweight people are not in a harsh situation. For some detail, it can also be seen that the overweight problem becomes more serious with the age adds. The overweight proportion gradually extended from 32.5% to 53% correspond that from group young to group old according to the table.

The information for the young is not totally optimistic in spite of few overweight problems with them. The under weight proportion of young group is the most high number compared with the other three groups’. The middle age group’s body weight situation is relatively good in comparison to the others’. Half of the middle ages own the desirable weight, which is the proportion larger than other three groups.

环球雅思名师季春桦老师：总体而言,写得还不错,就是注意”we”这个人称指代词不要随意出现.

沪友“huangyuyue”的作文：
The table gives the information about the proportions of body of British males’ eight in 1997.

The group of middle Aged, elderly and old are unlikely to be underweight(为什么中年人,年长的人,老人不可以体重轻啊?这句话有点主观色彩了), each proportion of their weight did not exceed 2.5. But on the other side, overweight proportion of both elder and old were almost doubled by it of obese males about 49.5 and 53. This number of young males was 32.5, which nearly two time as much as the proportion of underweight and obese young males. Almost half of all the young and elder are desirable. At the same time, the proportion of elderly and old are just over a quarter. However the munber of average of overweight is 40.9, which is almost equal to it of desirable. Overweight males are the extremely less of only about 4. Compaired to this, about 17.1 of average males are obese can be seen in this table.

环球雅思名师季春桦老师：这么文章主体部分时态不对,本文应用一般过去时,而且有些句子有主观色彩,这在小作文中需避免.

沪友“随风而溜”的作文：
The result of an investigation on "The weight among British male in 1997" indicates that nearly 58% of British male are either overweight or obese.

Less than 4% British male are underweight, which reflect that British people are living in a high living standard. However the obesity population of elderly and old British male has doubled compared with the young and middle aged.

The obesity epidemic covered on TV and in newspapers or magazines as a hot topic for a long time The weight excessive increasing will impact people's healthy. Expects has claimed that diabetes, high blood pressure and similiar chronic disease are more often found in obesities people. Overweight and obesity are the result of energy imbalance which was caused by various and complex factors. Such as individual eating habits, genetics, environment and so on. (这些话图片上面没有显示).

Diet and physical activities are two primary effective methods to deal with the overweight. To take action immediately, the situation will be improving soon.

环球雅思名师季春桦老师：这篇文章的问题较严重,这不是小作文的写法,雅思小作文主要考的是描述能力,所以主要对图片上的数据进行分析讲解,对于图片上没有的信息最好少讲,不讲.

沪友“geminihzh”的作文：
The table shows the percentage of body weight of men in British in 1997.

The males are separated in 4 groups, the young , the middle aged , the elder aged and the old and the weight is defined as the following 4 levels: the underweight, the overweight, the obese and the desirable. For young , the proportion of underweight is the most of more than 10% and of obese is the least of 9% . The other three groups had very low proportion of underweight of approximate from 1%~2.5% and a little high percentage of obese increased roughly from 15%~24.5%.The suitable weight of both young and middle aged is about half in the investigation, compared with the proportion of about 25% of the elderly and the old. On the contrary, the percentage of overweight of the young and the middle aged is about 30% and the other two are both about 50%.

General speaking, from the average figures in the statistic table, the underweight men are very low and the desirable men are almost 40% which it is a good phenomenon to health, but the proportions of overweight and obese are both too high and this situation is a reflection of the fatness problem that should be well considered.

环球雅思名师季春桦老师：这篇文章最大的问题就是第一段几乎照抄了题目,这样做在目前考试中是很危险的做法,正文和结尾尚可.

沪友“暗夜之心”的作文：
From the table which shows the proportion of British males’ body weight, we can have some interesting conclusion.

Majority men have a problem of overweighting and such number is close to it which describes the people who are content to their body weight. The men of underweight just take a small proportion of three points nine percent, to contrary, the men of extremely obese are much higher, it’s about seventeen points one percentage.

The table was summarized in four age levels which are young, middle age, elderly and old. Many young people are thin compare to other levels. The people who are desirable for their body weight are young people and middle aged ones, which take a proportion more than half. The overweight people are concentrated on elderly and old people, it maybe says when you get older, your weight would grow as well. At last, it tells us the obese often happen when people are middle aged and elderly, but it is not so serious.

环球雅思名师季春桦老师：这篇小作文第一段写得不正确,小作文的第一段主要概括性地描述图形,而不应加入”we can have some interesting conclusion.” 并且正文段需要加入上升下降这样描述性内容和数据,所以这篇作文问题较严重.

第二期雅思小作文收集请来这儿>>>


Tag标签：雅思，作文，雅思作文，考试作文，修改，写作，雅思写作，作文修改